So today my husband and I began the journey to Virginia beach, USA. New start, new me I thought. As I will be living off of his wage, maybe I should be a better wife; more interested, more loving, more sex?!

While he left me in the hotel room to pick up a hire car I decided I could start now. So I sent him a text informing him how horny I was. I then broke up a sweat searching through my over packed suitcase for my ‘wand’ and put on some porn (always threesome fyi). After pausing briefly for a ‘seductive’ photo for my admire me page (a story for another day!), which was in fact not brief at all due to 16728 attempts at different poses and running out of breath from sucking the gut in, I jumped back in to bed and got started.

Now, it’s obvious why the wand has that name – it is magical. It generates pleasure within seconds so it didn’t take long for me to become impatient. I called the husband (who hadn’t text back might I add) who said he wouldn’t be back for ages so to meet him outside after checkout. Brilliant, all this effort and no recognition. At least I had the seductive photo to show for it I guess. So I decided to just carry on by myself, it’s much quicker and easier alone anyway.

15 seconds in, eyes rolling and legs twitching (I told you it was magic!) and I hear a key in the lock. Sensible me had left a towel by the bed so I leapt up, wrapped it around me and bolted to the door. I was met at the half open door by the maid who was horrified by a very near nip slip and the sound of 3 very loud, dramatic porn stars going at it. She quickly apologised and dashed back outside.

By this point my heart was racing from both embarrassment and pure sexual frustration. So fuck it, fast forward to the good bit, whack the wand up to the highest setting and wait for the orgasm. It came, it went, it was good but now I needed to shower ffs and I hate showering. Don’t judge me, I still do it, it’s just not enjoyable – anyone else with me?

Anyway, so the first day of my new start, new me bullshit didn’t quite go to plan this morning but I tried. I had fun anyway! Stay tuned for more of how my attempts to cure boredom go wrong AGAIN, haha!